Camino Series: My, how a year passes

A year ago, I fled. Things were not going well. Dissatisfied, scared, desperate, lonely, confused…I knew I had to go. Needed drastic change. So, I left New York to go to London. A place I felt drawn to, especially artistically. My beautiful friends all supported me, told me I was brave, but it's never been easy. I'm not going to pretend that putting myself out there, traveling, hasn't been terrifying. My relationship with the unknown is one that I am continually exploring and cultivating. But, regardless of the fear, those pangs of intuition… the voice deep inside my heart that whispers… "it is time to move"… is something I can't ignore. Just ask my dear friend Jess, (actually both of my dear friends named Jess) and they will tell you that 24 hours before my flight to London over a year ago, I was a wreck. Not unlike the first time I bought my solo ticket overseas for my first three months of travel alone. Crying and scared, second guessing my ability to handle the world and life decisions in the face of the abyss of the unknown... I recognized the feelings of fear as something that I am working on. I am practicing not giving it power, and instead sending it compassion and love... not letting the fear debilitate me as it had in the past. Because in the end, we must do what our hearts are yearning for. When something, someone, is calling my name… when I am able to let go, be honest and true to myself, it is most important for me to go there, to them, and follow through. There have been many times in my past when I didn't, and learned the lesson... that I don't want to live with regret.

London. Being in a brand-new city, not knowing anyone… was isolating. Falling down a slope I knew only too well, a slope that led to debilitating despair that I still didn't have the tools to deal with alone. I started reading avidly, so many books, going to performances, museums, shifting my mindset to where I felt happiness… as a student. Choosing my own 'curriculum' as a student of life. I knew that a turning point must be near, wanting only to be a sponge for all that was good, honest and true. It gave me much needed time to learn how to relate to myself again. Spending quality time with me. Walking, observing life, writing, sketching, visiting sights I'd read about and studied my entire life, finding a connection to the city on a very personal level.  During this time in London, the discontent of my own inadequacy of my art form was ruling me. Stuck in this familiar state of mind that I so badly wanted to change... feeling like a failure. Then fracturing my elbow in a dance class forced me to stop dancing for half the time I was in the city. By the end of my time in London, drained and hungry... the next step? There was no other option, the ONLY thing I could do was to go on pilgrimage. It was what my heart was screaming for and that filled me with purpose. To strip away all societal responsibility, all expectations of myself about my trajectory of life, to have one task, to devote myself to one intention, and that was to continue walking forward. I knew it was the most important thing I could do in my life right at that moment.

Jess met me in London and we flew to France together. We started the journey that changed both of our lives immensely. It was humbling and comforting to be traveling alongside a friend. For the year before that, I had been traveling, backpacking, alone... and this was the first time I was embarking on a journey with a companion! A companion who I trust completely, and is a sister to me.

The Camino de Santiago… it has become popular in the past few years because of a movie that came out called "The Way".  I had never heard of the movie. I had never heard about the camino until the previous summer. The summer I was in Vienna, one of our roommates, Emanuel, told me of his sister who had done a pilgrimage biking across Asia! I had never heard of a "modern-day" pilgrimage, and thought only major athletes could do long treks like that… I started picking his brain. He told me of pilgrimages in Russia, Italy, Israel, and Spain. He then began to describe the Camino de Santiago... How the medieval pilgrims would journey from their homes all across Europe to pay respects to the remains of Saint James in Santiago, and then journey a little farther to the Atlantic Ocean… Finisterre… the end of the earth. Usually, it was their first and only time seeing the ocean, and what was at that time in history, the end of everything that they knew to exist in this world. They would take a shell from the shore and bring it back to their families, a symbol of their journey. Even today, pilgrims tie a shell to their pack so that others will know their purpose. I knew that this was going to be a journey I'd take at some point in my life, but never could have dreamed that a year later, and a year ago today, we'd be in France getting our first stamp in our pilgrim credentials.

This journey continues to teach me every single day. In beautiful, unexpected ways. It was difficult, and there were many tears, many days I walked all day alone, but ultimately helped me begin to heal in a way that I have no words to express except gratitude. The 34 days of pilgrimage, physical exertion, constant change of weather, landscape, beds, lessons, and some of the most open hearts I have ever met in my entire life… The spirit of the camino lives through us, and every day since… like I was taught by the countless pilgrims who touched me on that journey, and reflecting on all the people I know from my life before, after, and through… to live with the intention to become a more open, honest, and loving person. A shift in perspective. I wouldn't be where I am today if not for the trajectory the camino helped me find. To open my heart. To learn to communicate more deeply and fluidly. To appreciate the moment we are in right now. To let go of debilitating expectations of ourselves and others and just move forward, no matter what.

In honor of the journey that changed my life… happy one year camino anniversary!

 (Photos I took on the road)

To my siStars Jess, Martha, Emma and fellow pilgrims Jost, Vinka, Linda, Dean, Clint, Richard, Helena, Martin, and all those we met along the way.

Scidentity: the void of consumption

This piece is an illustration of the invasive effect media can have on individuals in terms of pulling them away from the restorative healing properties of nature. It is becoming commonplace for people to identify themselves in a comparative way to what they observe through such outlets.

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This post was inspired by the upcoming exhibition Scidentity, curated by Boston LGBT Artist Alliance (BLAA)

Scidentity is an exploration of 21^st century science and technological advances in relation to developing identity politics.  

For more info on the exhibition visit:

BLAA Website

42º

42 degree day
an unbounded day of joy
all of my "should do's" are temporarily cancelled
rescheduled for "sometime" in the future
all of the pressure usually pushed on me
by myself
evaporates into tentative spring air
with an exhale of gratitude

42 degree day
you are dedicated to releasing creative energy
pent up and prevented from exploration
this energy has lay dormant
frustrated and still, it's meant to move
it's meant to flow out and return on different vibrations.
inspiration! my muse. you have not been around enough,
and for far too long.

today is light, my light is stronger
than it has felt in months.

i don't feel foolish smiling at the sun
movement is easier
and i am thankful for it.
unbounded joy
i remember what happens when i allow myself this kind of day
and miraculously, i am reminded that this joy is attainable
at any moment of my existence

or yours.



♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Figure 5.3

"Figure 5.3: He was wrong about the details. He thought the fire displaced the skin, which pulled a tiny thread, which opened a pore in the ventricle (F), which caused "animal spirit" to flow out through a hollow tube, causing the foot to withdraw (Descartes, 1664). But it was otherwise a good idea."

This is what I read in the chapter entitled "an empirical theory of the mind" in the book "consciousness explained" that I found in the "philosophy" section of "barnes and noble." I have come here because I was pulled by the mysterious force of my subconscious self, as I needed something to do in order to divert my attention from the frustration of missing a morning yoga class. I found that when spontaneously gifted a free hour to myself, I chose Barnes and Noble. So very original, Augusta.

Typically, I thoroughly enjoy planning, and I think I always have. I'm not sure why exactly, maybe because when I do find myself flung into my life untethered to activities, work, and their subsequent outcomes, I feel adrift and sometimes lost, sometimes free. The freedom I feel from not having a plan: I love. Feeling lost is undeniably terrifying. We all have free will; therefore we choose whichever thought path we go down.

I have a group of friends fondly referred to as "the barn kids." This term was assigned to them after they all lived together in a barn of functioning disarray behind my friend Robbie's parents' house. I grew up with Robbie, we go as far back as humanly possible-our mothers were friends before, during and after their pregnancies with us-which has sparked the term we refer to often when describing our friendship: "friends before the womb." I think "wombuddies" has a nice ring to it, but now I see it doesn't look too graceful in text, which is good to know for future reference.

Anyway, so out of all the social butterflies in the world, Robbie is one of the boldest. His heart seems to be an endlessly expanding vessel of good will and his life's work seems to be spreading fun and warm happy feelings to everyone and anyone he meets. Robbie is a man who lives entirely in the present moment, and whenever I am with them, I feel that all of his close friends and lovely girlfriend all practice the same mentality. Robbie and his friends have taught me that living without a plan can be one of the most valuable favors you can do for yourself. Moving and doing with this mentality produces the adrenaline rush that is one of the most invigorating I've ever experienced.

I've found that instead of filling my life with "should do's, need to do's, and want to do's," leaving the door of possibility open allows me to be more available. This availability is how we keep ourselves fully immersed in the ebb and flow of life;  through the ebb into retrospection and the flow into new experience. Unpredictability causes a rush that gets our brains excited, our blood pumping.  This is how we are meant to experience life. 

It's good for you, and whenever I give myself permission to let go of the "do's" I need to "do", I end up in a much better place than where I started, noticeably more relaxed and in touch with intuition. I feel a renewed sense of optimism, as if I have had a temporary lapse in almost incessant mind chatter that is directing me towards what I believe to be my invariable future. Which is both silly and impossible; any attempt to control our futures is futile, and I know it. yet the practicality of this knowledge conflicts with my desire to control it, which again loops me around to my previous point. Setting up the structure and then letting go of any expectations surrounding the outcome is essential in order to flow rather than resist. 

I suppose I should give some sort of explanation for the introduction to this blog post. To be honest, I had no idea I was going to write about this topic when I copied those few lines from that random book. But now, I can see how it is completely congruous to the topic that formulated itself as I wrote. Humans are always trying to dissect and consequentially understand the why and how of everything. That is why books like "consciousness explained" and "your soul contract decoded" and "exploring happiness from Aristotle to brain science" exist (I am literally just reading the titles on this bookshelf, I have never read any of them and therefore hold no opinion on their content). The ability to simply release the NEED TO EXPLAIN is an elemental part of the definition of freedom. THE IMPULSE TO KNOW what is going to happen next (in other words, planning our future) correlates to this concept in that it is an attempt to control what happens in our lives. I believe that these are both essential aspects of the ego and necessary for us to lead productive lives. However, they can be restricting if there is an imbalance with an abundance of inquisitive and controlling thoughts.

Being with my intuitive self and letting it take me wherever I feel drawn results in ultimate freedom, for I no longer need to know why I am headed there. Which is why I'm here, ready to dip back into my scheduled life (although today is my day off, HOORAY) after being brought here by my slightly discontented self of two hours ago when I realized I was not going to make it to yoga on time. Turns out I needed this time to be alone, think and write. Turns out I felt compelled to share it with you on this blog. Turns out I have no control over your opinion of my writing. But as it turns out, that's okay with me.